How To Connect

Helping Alzheimer's Home Caregivers Of Loved Ones

How do I connect with my wife and get her to connect with me? This is always a constant desperation on my part, especially because she doesn't speak. I am always afraid she will stop connecting with me, especially when I get that “blank, I'm lost look.” That is the day I am trying to avoid. There are different things I do, depending on the moment and situation we are in, always taking every opportunity I can to promote interaction with her. “What works for me may not work for you, but we have no alternative but to try.”

Excerpts:

Talking Connects

I am constantly talking to her even though she doesn't speak. She must always hear my voice. She will look at me, a look I know when she understands, or she will smile. We are connecting. Sometimes she will repeat one of my words. We are connecting. She must never forget my voice.

The fact she doesn't speak means I talk more. For example, her movements, and gestures have to always be observed so that I can react accordingly to help her. This means constantly asking her questions. If she starts to get up from her chair, “Do you want to go to the bathroom”? If she does, she will repeat the word “bathroom” and I will take her there. 

When she starts walking, I ask her where she wants to go, or if she is walking in the wrong direction, I will gently guide her to the other way. When she wakes up in the morning, I ask her if she wants a big kiss or a small one. She doesn't answer, but I know what she wants, and she is always ready to kiss and many times with a smile.

Repeating Simple Words Connects

Jokingly, I repeat simple words or phrases with musical intonation, and she starts repeating along with me with the same intonation. Of course, I get that smile, which I am continually looking for as we are connecting. In the morning, it could be “up we go” or “breakfast” as I am trying to coax her out of bed for breakfast. At the plaza, I might repeat the words “excellent” or “very good” and she will repeat the same many times along with me. When she comes out of the shower, as I dry her off, I repeat,” Now, the human dryer,” and she repeats along with me, “Now the human dryer,” laughing. Simple words and short phrases repeated in the same situations can help connect.

Humor Connects

Humor is very important throughout the day. I try to make simple jokes to get her to smile or laugh. She laughs at herself when I highlight something funny she did.  We are connecting. 

Basic Tasks Connect

I constantly try to ask her to do something, and she always does, following through with simple basic tasks. She will do everything I ask her to do in her silence. We are connecting. I attempt to discover what she can do and what may interest her, and I get her to participate in simple domestic tasks. In the morning, I ask her to help wash the breakfast dishes, and she does. We are connecting. I ask her to help make the bed and she does. We are connecting. She sweeps the kitchen floor and can use the vacuum cleaner. We are connecting. Of course, all of these tasks are with side-by-side assistance, but being included in our daily routine is the best therapy to help her connect and interact.

Walks Connect

Our daily walks are so important because they enable us to connect more than any other time of the day. I will ask her to take my arm and walk beside me, and she does. I am always talking to her as we walk to the plaza. I know she is listening as we cross the street. Likewise, I tell her to look for cars coming first before we cross, and she does. Sometimes, she enthusiastically tries to walk faster than me and lets go of my arm, and I tell her to “slow down, take my arm,” and she does. When we sit on the park bench, she holds on to my hand, and often, she rests her head on my shoulder. I know we are connecting. 

Exercising Connects

In the plaza, we play handball at a short distance, as she truly enjoys hitting the ball back and forth to me. Her reflexes are great. She immediately starts smiling as we play. I am congratulating her with short specific words such as “excellent, very good, super,” etc. Her smile widens as she is proud of herself.  

Feeling successful became very important. I am always praising her along the way, encouraging her to continue and do more. We are connecting. After about ten minutes, we start using the fitness equipment. She truly enjoys this as we use two or three basic pieces of equipment. One piece is where she sits and has to pedal. I am talking to her as she tries to follow my instructions. This is not just an important physical exercise but a mental exercise as well as she tries to transmit the signal to her legs to pedal. I wait for her to start moving her legs. She only pedals one at a time, pausing several minutes until she can transmit the signal to her legs again. Again, I am praising her along the way. The goal is for her to pedal five times, which could take about fifteen or twenty minutes. When we reach number five, I celebrate her achievement with a big kiss, getting her a giant smile. We are connecting.  

Now we go to another piece of equipment where sits and has to bend her knees and raise her feet to the platform. She has to stretch her legs out, pushing her body back and forth. We do this five to ten times. I am helping her with this exercise, pausing one stretch at a time, as I would rather not stress her physically. Talking, congratulating, and praising her along the way, her facial expression is of satisfaction and a smile about her performance. We are connecting.

We go to the third piece of equipment where she sits and has to stretch her arms forward to move the bars forward. I encourage her to do this alone without help, always talking and motivating her. I stand back as she looks at me with a long pause. Suddenly, she stretches her arms forward and holds the bar at a distance. Wow! I am excited, putting my arms around her with a big kiss, and of course, she has a great big smile. I look at her again and ask, “can you do this one more time”? Again she looks at me with a stare, a long pause, stretches her arms again alone pushing the bar forward. I am practically jumping up and down celebrating her victory and again getting her huge smile.  

I know she feels great about herself, and we are really “connecting” every step of the way.  

Each exercise becomes a success and, most importantly, fun, which feeds her self-esteem and motivates her to go to the plaza each day. We are connecting.  

After this last exercise, we play handball again for about ten or fifteen minutes and repeat the process once more with the 3 pieces of equipment. 

Exercising with your assistance assures interaction and connection.

Praising Connects

Self-Esteem became vital and key to combat any possibility of depression. It was so important to me for my wife to feel happy about herself and consequently joy with life. I was always congratulating her and praising her for something. 

Every Thursday I took her to the beauty shop for her brushing. I had previously told the management about my wife's condition, and they were extremely cooperative and helpful. I learned to always tell her beforehand what we are going to do and what would happen next. I would help her sit in the chair and hold her hand as the beautician was washing her hair. Furthermore, I was constantly talking to her to give her confidence and have trust. To keep her hands busy, conscious of her anxiety while they were drying and combing her hair, I would pass her the embroidery she was working on or a coloring book to color with crayons. When they were finished, I would look at her with a huge smile and say, “how beautiful you look” and she would smile and say the same to me.

We would leave the beauty parlor walking to the corner singing “how beautiful you look” and she would smile and sing those words after me.  She was so happy with herself, hugging me, and I was thrilled.  

I was always congratulating her with the same short specific words such as “excellent, very good, super,” etc. always praising her for something, no matter how menial it may be. Her facial expression of satisfaction, her smile, means this praise is important to her self-esteem and a definite connection.

Touching Connects

Touching is key in transmitting a connection. Her holding my arm or hand, or me patting her on the back or shoulder, is connecting and transmitting affection. Sometimes I extend my hand to make it available and she will grab and hold it. Embracing is connecting. 

Throughout the day I am always touching her whether it's her arm or holding her hand to communicate my love and affection for her.

In the elevator, she always has to arrange my collar, we are connecting. 

When she is exercising at the plaza, I am always holding her hand or arm, helping her complete the exercise on the piece of equipment. She often reaches out for my hand with a grip, making eye contact that expresses “help me”. Not only when exercising but wherever we are, at the table, in the car or at the plaza she grabs my hand. Many times she won't let go, a connection that becomes quite emotional for me. We just hold on to each other as long as she wants to, especially at night with her long hug as we kiss each other goodnight. 

She is always willing to touch family members, greeting or saying goodbye to them with a kiss. Without her voice, gestures and touching throughout the day take on significant importance in connecting with each other, generating a non-stop “warm” and loving environment.

You are welcome to explore more insights and how I respond to radical behavioral changes as an Alzheimer’s home caregiver for my wife through my books, written in real time.

“Preventing Her Shutdown From Alzheimer's”