My Dream Comes True

Sharing Experiences To Help Alzheimer's Home Caregivers Of Loved Ones.

Precious Moments

Caregivers rarely have any opportunities to celebrate something with their loved ones they are carrying for. For me, there was one unforgettable moment.

My son Paul has been engaged to a wonderful girl from France. They were married in an outdoor ceremony that included a reception, cocktail, dinner, and a celebration.

My son was concerned that my wife would interrupt the ceremony due to her anxiety, causing some kind of disorder. I assured him not to worry, the nanny will help us control her anxious behavior, but he implied it wasn't necessary to bring her to the reception. Naturally, I wanted my wife to be a part of the complete ceremony. I wouldn't have it any other way. I knew that the wedding of her son could be an event she could easily identify with herself, her family, and her close friends.

Finally, I told my son, “I have a dream, I want to dance at least one dance with your mother.” I thought, when will I ever have an opportunity to celebrate my wife dancing with me? This may be my last chance. He understood, as his response was complete silence. That was the end of the conversation.”

I took my wife to the beauty parlor the day before so she would look great the following day.

Friday morning I again took my wife to the beauty parlor for a brushing, and I also brought her makeup because they offered to make her up. Everyone in the beauty parlor wanted to help, as they knew that she was incapable. My daughter had bought new clothes for her so that she would look her best.

The Ceremony

We arrived at the ceremony and began receiving all the guests. Despite her anxiousness, my wife performed quite well in remaining calm during the ceremony. During the evening, she was surrounded by her closest friends from her elementary school days. They were thrilled when Ximena began connecting with her smile and holding their hands. We could see that, by her facial expressions, she was registering who each person was posing for pictures with all of them.

Excerpts Wedding Speech

My son asked me to give a speech at his wedding, and I decided to talk about love. After much reflection about my wife's situation and our relationship over the years, focusing on the bride and groom, I explained the following:

“It's easy to fall in love, but difficult to sustain it. It is easy to assume that your love will sustain itself after you get married, but that is simply not true. Even though you got married today, it doesn't mean that your love today will last forever. Never assume that your relationship is on “automatic pilot.” If you do, if you take for granted your marriage, your love can fade away and disappear without realizing it. You have to nurture it, caress it, accept each other's imperfections, and look for ways to support each other.

Love is dynamic and takes on different characteristics and meanings as life goes on.

Your love will be tested and challenged the rest of your lives. I assure you, our love, has been severely tested during these 44 years. I thought I was in love when we got married, and I was, but this love was just beginning, like yours today. Love takes on new meanings and new definitions throughout the years, depending on where you are in your life. After all these years, my love today is not the same as on our wedding day. Now, I realize I didn't know what love really meant. I knew that I was in love, but I was unaware of how far and deep that love could be tested until now. Believe me, you can't pretend to know what will happen in the future. You can't suppose or presume what will happen in your future. You may have a Plan B, but there is no Plan C or D. Our marriage has survived many difficult tests and is surviving a very surprising unforeseen future because of our deep love, which is more profound and passionate than ever before.”

You could hear a pin drop on the grass.

My Last Dance?

After dinner, the music began and the bride and groom began their first dance. Towards the end of the dance, they invited the guests to join them. Here we go. I was so nervous as I grabbed my wife's hand and told her, “Let's dance.” She got up from her chair, held on to my hand, and we approached the dance floor. I couldn't believe this. Is this really going to happen? I started to dance, and she followed along. We were dancing for the first time in eight years! Paul joined us dancing, as well as the bride and my daughter and my eldest son, Michael. Ximena was dancing with everyone in her family. We held on to each other so close that I could feel her grip from her hug as I was leading her. I couldn't hold back the tears of joy. This was real! The music never stopped; it just continued to change without a pause. And guess what? We just kept dancing, as her smile and expression of joy encouraged me to continue on. Ximena was happy to dance with everyone, as her friends and family members joined in. I didn't want to go back to the table because I knew it wouldn't be easy to get back on the dance floor. I wanted this moment to last forever, so we stayed on the dance floor for as long as possible. We were dancing for at least ninety minutes. I could see and feel my wife was totally “connected” to me with her expression of joy and love. She was actually having “fun,” which I have not seen her have for many years. I have always been a terrible dancer, with my wife always dragging me out on the dance floor. Now it was my turn, and she was following me every step of the way. Finally, we saw that she was tired, so we went back to the table to let her rest. “Thank you, God, for this beautiful gift, the most wonderful evening of my life.”

Was this our last dance? Will I ever get this opportunity again? I know this was very doubtful.

Personally, this is the first time in many years that I have experienced so much happiness and thrill. What else can I say?

Now that a week has gone by, we seem to be more connected than ever. She often comes looking for me when we are in different rooms, as she does not want to be alone. This wasn't happening before. Naturally, I never miss an opportunity to connect. Never. “Connecting” prolongs the worst that is yet to come.

I feel much better this week about our journey, a journey of compassion, smiles, and plain old-fashioned love. Being in love translates to “we will never separate, and we will never be separated.” I feel energized and enthused and more able to defend myself to avoid that terrible hole of depression, which is so easy to fall into on this journey. I just hope this lasts.

I Changed

Reflecting, I realized that I became a better person because of my wife during the past six years. I learned to do things I had never imagined before to help her. Her condition and disposition, allowing me to help her, brought out the best in me as a human being. Our marital relationship completely changed and, in many ways, are the best years of our marriage, smothered with care and love for each other.

She became a different wife too, completely innocent of her illness and defenseless, but always with sweet affectionate gestures, and I became a different husband with my new role as her protector and defender. I felt her dependability on me, as she always followed my instructions to a T. I realized she knew she needed and depended on my help.

Our love and devotion towards each other exploded and became a passion of mine every minute of every day for her to survive. She was happy with herself; she wasn't suffering, as she didn't know how sick she was. I realize now that I needed her for my survival too.

Every morning, we are excited to see each other and celebrate each other as we get ready for breakfast. I never realized I was so dependent on her in so many different ways until now.

“Thank you, my love. You have given so much of yourself to me, and I have become a better person because of you.”